Of Eating & Singing.

After arriving on Monday, Tuesdee was a day of gathering, eating, lo-hei followed by karaoke-ing at "red box." Well, did Esther sing? She did, well to past midnight of 1.30am. Ok, throat a lil' sore after trying to hit high notes. Wednesdee was get-together with mum's brothers and sisters and cousins and nieces and nephews. Yesterday was gambling day - and I lost RM 15. Today was a short afternoon of shopping, eating Penang fried kuay teow, churros and checking my inbox for 26 emails.

And I decided to develop my 700 photos taken in OKC and Orlando. Pffttt. Not including those that I haven't taken from fellow M11 dudes. In total = 800+ photos, RM 345.80. Right, still cheaper considering it's RM0.40 and not S$0.40. So if you decide just to cross the causeway to develop your pictures, it will definitely be much cheaper and the trip will be worthwhile. And of course to the Kalyn-style cam-whore, think the thousands of pictures is enough to burn a hole in your pocket even if you develop in Malaysia. You might want to consider developing it in Zimbawae instead.

Guess what? Buying a laptop here might be cheaper after the currency conversion PLUS the free throw in of MS office. But I don't have the capital. BLEAH.

A lil' ranting - About an hour to dinner. I have gained dark eye rings again - thanks to mum's snoring. I only get decent sleep for about a couple of hours.

Tomorrow's more shopping and stayover at another cousin's house. It's more fun with the kids really, at least I get to run around with them and lose calories from those munchies I've been eating.

Ok, off to slacking and munching before dinner. Till the next update...

Greetings From Across the Causeway!

First and foremost, happy chinese new year. Yours truly is in Malaysia, as usual for the new year. Now after experiencing 30+ hours of travelling, some 5 hours bus ride is peanuts. Just sleep through it and you'll be there in no time.

Eating, gambling, visiting... More eating and visiting later, and karaoke at night with the youngsters. Bad sleep last night, mum snored through the night, so I only got decent sleep since she woke up. BLEAH.

Anyway, no mosquitoes feeding this time. Wonderfully fabulous. At least for once.

Till more eating, gambling and ang pow-receiving...

Finding Your Passion

I was just looking at some pictures of a ex-classmate who is now a paramedic. At that time, I would not have imagined her as someone who would pursue this path. But looking back, she was in St. John's and she did went on to do a diploma in nursing after 'O' levels.

For me... Unsure and undecided, junior college was the best path then, because diplomas meant also immediate specialization in one area. Now, almost graduating, pretty sure what I want to do - something that I'd enjoy despite the pressures coming in. Above all that, the passion for an unfulfilled dream/goal has not diminished.

So much said, those are just mid-term goals. Can you ever find your passion in life? The one thing that never ceases to make you feel excited, inspired and motivated. That thing that keeps you moving on.

Perhaps along the way, after some 20 odd years of living, I'll be sure of it. For now, it's still a gamble.

How about you? Have you found your passion in life?
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As usual, the sweeping thoughts that hits me unusually. And it'll be cool to talk to you about it.

Acceptance or Tolerance?

Must we accept whatever(or maybe whoever) is the given?

Coerced acceptance would only bring about misery.

Then why is it that you USED to compel me to?

That rebellious and independent streak in me?

It was shaped, by circumstances.

Ain't gonna accept it,

Can't accept it,

It's not as easy as you think.

Now? I can't even tolerate.
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Just thoughts that come, or thoughts that have been lying around for a decade and a little more.

Nostalgia

As I was cleaning my wardrobe - I came across THIS!

Yes and yes, I still keep my primary school uniform. One set for keepsake purposes.

And yes, my primary school uniform was GREEN and was a DRESS. They changed it already. Can you imagine Little Esther, bespectacled with short hair in this dress say 10+++ years ago? I do have pictures of me in that. If you are interested, tag me and I might post it here!

I remember the lighter green part of the uniform was kinda almost see-through and the growing up years was a little, hmmm, whatever you wore inside OR DID NOT WEAR could be seen lah.

Brings back fond memories. (:

And my school motto? Love, Care and Share. Hee hee hee.

A Lil' Extra.

A S$20.5 billion resilience package was announced today. Fiscal policy it is (those were the days of Economics). Nothing much that will impact me directly, except if I want to get a job in the public sector, or get a huge loan to start a business. Other than that, the government is doubling the GST credits this year! That's some extra cash. Wunnerful stuff. That can go to my laptop funds. (:

Girls' night out today. And it's Japanese food again - with no time for ice-cream. Had to make do with Mc's ice-cream cone. Went laptop browsing today - had a pink one that caught my eye. But I shall wait till the IT fair in March, hopefully a better deal comes along. Finally got my Giordano black bermudas for the Chinese New Year. Berms to go with my Oscar Sesame Street shoes this year. A pretty good harvest at Daiso getting double sealed ziploc bags to store stuff, a coat protector for my graduation gown and a shoe bag!

Please oh please ang pows, please make up the funds that I need.

Wrong Times

What can be worse than getting hungry at 12 midnight while discussing with the girlfriends where to go for dinner? To look for ideas, I decided to check out food blogs. Pictures makes the hunger worse.

Well, it's normal for me to crave for food at this time. Who can be my supper buddy? Just about 10 minutes away is a 24-hour Hong Kong restaurant, and 5 minutes away is the 24-hour roti prata shop.

Gosh, crispy prata with sugar and curry. Yumz.

*Cries* Supper anybody?

CRAVINGS!

It's the estrogen. (which could possibly mean PMS is round the corner.)

I'm craving for:

- SWEET POPCORN

- Fried tapioca

- Chicken rings snack (remember the 20 cents packet of stuff?)

Oh man. If this is only pre-PMS, what can pregnancy mean...?

Ho ho ho...
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ALSO, I've highlighted and trimmed my hair! All ready for the Chinese New Year. Except for more spring cleaning at home... SIAN.
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I've also probably figured out what I'm ready to work as. What I won't dread doing when I wake up every morning, what I'd be able to do for the next couple of years at least - the day I figure out that I'm doing what I like, I don't have to go to work for another day. But someone told me not to be quick to judge, it might take a while.

It's tough finding your passion. It's tougher to know when you finally land in that job, it kills your passion altogether. Pessimistic thought huh? Still, I'm looking forward to a monthly pay that will bring me a good life, and as my stepping stone to my next dream to fulfill.
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I WANT TO WATCH MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN MY OPINION...

Had to type this before I go out...

COT = ULTIMATE TIME WASTING ACTIVITY.

Here and There.

As usual, life goes on.

Wake up, eat, check email, do paper work (assignment or whatsoever), lunch, tuition, cook dinner, dinner, tv, computer time, read, sleep.

Looking forward to CNY, with some ang pows to boost the bank account balance. Some going crazy moments with my nieces and nephews. Some great late-night suppers with cousins. Some goodies non-stop munching. Some mahjong and card games. Some house visiting. Some shopping if possible. I can't wait to once again get outta Singapore.

I've decided to do something. After I've done it, after the Chinese New Year, I'll tell you. Deal? Deal!
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Right, I'm not the only one who misses the trip that just passed. I super duper miss Oklahoma City.

To back track a little, the flight back was a total of 30 hours... inclusive of 5 take-offs and 5 touch-downs. Orlando to Nashville to LA to Taipei to Malaysia to Singapore. Maybe one of these days, I'll really put up the pictures and talk more about it.

Ins and Outs.

No mood to upload pictures here or on facebook... There are things weighing on my mind. Anyway...

Finally tried the Japanese themed food court at Northpoint. Hmm, at about half the price of restaurant food, expect lower expectations. Not horrible, edible though. Then headed to Bakerzin for some dessert. Warm chocolate cake - way chocolatey, could do it once in a while. For now, I am still in love with ice cream.

Tried to get started on my assignment today, surfed the net, read the newspapers and even went to the library to get some ideas but to no avail yet. Bleah. Come on, get the motivation from within.

Tuition's gonna start full swing from next week onwards, YES to the in-coming cash, NO to the out-going that repays the loan. I need more students to repay the entire blood-sucking loan by this year. Finish paying and I'm almost outta debt.

Did some calculations just now, and finances seem okay - but no change of IT gadgets if the loan's gotta be repaid this year. Hang in there my beloved PC, I still need you.

The dream seems further away each time I punch the calculator buttons to get a sense of current finances. So what's stopping me from pursuing my dream? FINANCES. Irritating. I have a feeling that by end-2009, I'd probably have less than 4 digits in my bank account, including the decimal point. But I shan't let that happen - with hard work comes digits in the bank account.

Oh, this education sure didn't come easy.

All of a sudden, I miss Serene. Serene, come back soon! I miss the heart-to-heart talks already.

Memories.

Today I went to the newly opened library at Northpoint. The library 5 minutes away from my home moved to the central. After a long break from the library, as I was exploring the area, it brought back memories when I spent hours at the library everyday after school.

If you were born in the 80's and grew up reading Sweet Valley High and Babysitters' Club, well, we read the same kind of books. Too bad the library no longer hold Sweet Valley High. I still remember when students waited at the shelves for the returned Sweet Valley High books to come in. Oh well, it's a different world now.

Quiet Thoughts.

I think, I might be truly happier living a life. Alone, abroad and away from this stressful, crowded city.

Besides the day-to-day rush that everyone around me goes through, I get the consequences of it. Like come on, you have a choice to choose the kind of life you want to lead, so do I. I dislike the kind of life here, and I hate having to entertain your moods after a long day. I prefer my life to be slower, quieter and of a happy and satisfying one, even after a long, tired day. Not coming home and giving me the cold shoulder. I don't need such treatment.

You are tired, and falling sick. Cut down on the jobs and take breaks! We told you to, even machines need a break. We aren't hard up for money. I am no longer dependent on you for money. Even if we needed to cut down on going to restaurants, so be it.

Perhaps granddad was right, about the youngest getting the worst stuff. It does work that way, I guess.

Having used to think that I'd not move out for as long as I didn't have to, I am reconsidering. With today's episode, I have more motivated to move out, quicker. Call me self-centered or whatever. I think everyone has the choice of choosing the kind of life he or she would like to lead. Afterall, it's MY LIFE, ain't it?

Yes, I'm not feeling that great. Life at home is way too complicated - which is not how it is supposed or meant to be. Relationships in a mess, moods in a mess, and I am getting the mess out of all the mess.

Take me away.

(After some deliberation...)

Okay, I know you made sacrifices to make everything work out. I'm grateful and thankful. In fact, I might never be able to repay whatever you have given me. Still... Sigh...

A Date with Me.

So yesterday night after exco meeting, I decided to catch Yes Man on my own since nobody I wanted to watch with, wanted to watch it. Me, a movie ticket and my favourite sweet popcorn, although I like the kettle corn from Penn Square better, went ahead to the movies.










It's me alone at the movies again! Pretty good actually, no distractions. But overall, out of 5 stars, I give Yes Man 3 stars. Entertaining but not worth going to the theatres to watch it again. Re-watch only when you are bored with nothing to do.

Till the next bout of US photos...

Of Girlfriends, Threesomes and FOOD

Haha. The 3 of us makes us a threesome - not that type, mind you. Like finally after so long we get to meet again. And twice in 3 days. An achievement! With Serene, how can there not be pictures? And for whatever reason, I've grown to like to take photographs, but always not in the "social butterfly mood." So RP and Serene concluded that after I came back from the US, I have had some major split personalities.
Meanwhile, enjoy the pictures. Some look really wrong - but it's in the name of fun.

On Sunday, we met up and the girls got their pressies from me. I desperately wanted to have Thai Express but Serene said Japanese. So there was a change of plans from Junction 8 to Causeway Point for Ichiban Sushi. Oh well, Princess Serene she is.










Then after some sushi, we went for some ice cream at Gelare!

And the many versions of the 3 of us...











How can be forget the ice cream and the act cute picture?











Next stop on Tuesday... THAI EXPRESS. Serene kept asking what is so nice about it that I had to go there. Well, I've been craving for it since 5 weeks ago. In the end? The plan to watch Twilight at Orchard was abandoned since the seats were horrible and RP and I were getting hungry. To satisfy my craving, we took a bus from Orchard to City Hall... And RP who wasn't really cooperative in taking pictures. See how long I posed the same position...



















Thereafter, what else but dessert? RP said that the crew at this Jap ice-cream parlour wasn't really friendly, so we headed over for cakes at Secret Recipe this time instead. The girls wanted Tiramisu but complained about how bad it tasted thereafter. I was happy with my chilled strawberry cheesecake.























After some shopping at Charles and Keith with Serene having no luck in buying size 8 shoes, what else but fooling around again on the way home - at the train station and in the train... It was already about 10 plus and RP met us after work... which explains the look...Thereafter RP didn't want to take pictures anymore, so... Serene & I were enjoying the fun...























I HEART MY GIRLFRIENDS!

Bye to 2008, Hi to 2009.

Before I go ahead to blog about the highlights and the downs of 2008, let's take a look at what I blogged about when 2007 came to an end and when 2008 came.
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Bye to 2007, Hello to 2008

As we always say,

The year passed with the blink of an eye.

How true, how true.

Looking back at 2007,

It was a good start after 3 months at my present school,

Treated my work seriously, got due credit for my modules.

Got my advanced diploma with suave grades.

While finances did get a lil' tough with all expenses,

Including repaying my own education loan,

Tuition assignments and babysitting jobs came and went,

And I got it through, with enough spare cash to shop.

It ain't that bad to tutor 6 days a week with 5 students,

When you know you need the job and you can actually manage your time well.
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In Toastmasters, got up to the post of Vice President Education,

Which took more of my personal time away,

Tested my planning skills and my patience to the limit,

But juggling speaking and planning can be a killer.

I achieved my Competent Communicator award,

Now on my way to achieving my Advanced Competent Bronze award.

Had fun, had tears, had my speaking skills upped.

Attended a semi-annual convention, met great speakers,

Became motivated and inspired myself.
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I also had myself into the Youth Executive Committee at a community club,

Joined as an executive member, got promoted to assistant general secretary.

Took away 3 hours of my time every month,

Potentially gonna take more away this year.
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Personally, discovered myself and my personality more,

Spoke even more little this year.

I'm a lady of a few words.

I realized that I can take more pressure than I imagined,

Even when everything comes crashing at the same time,

I may cry, but after resting,

Getting up again isn't very difficult although it can be tiring.

Many ask, "I wonder how you can juggle so many things."

Reply: "You will learn to manage your time,

Because juggling means you must become more disciplined."

Met up with Rui Ping quite a lot, had fun shopping and eating,

Talking about future plans.

My brother had his wedding, now moved out.

There are also plans on doing my master's degree in US in the next couple of years,

If everything goes well.

There were significant moments, both good and bad,

But they all count as memories, as life experiences.

2007 was a great year, bet 2008 would be better.

Footprints left by Esther at 1:11 AM
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Now, 2008 was a lil' scary in the sense that it passed by just faster than I expected it would.

I was really looking forward to 2008 then because it was going to be a year of plenty of achievements:

- I officially become an adult under the law in April, hitting the magical age of 21 and throwing a huge birthday bash.

- I became the President of Cheng San Toastmasters Club, am still the President till June 2009.

- 2008 was the final lap my undergraduate studies.

- OCU residency was due in 2008, so was graduation part I.

Highlights however do come with unhappiness, as the saying goes: you can't have you cake and eat it.

- I had a period of struggle after hitting 21 from the sudden realization that now I have the power to do much more, including getting myself into trouble and my parent can save me no more. Plenty of letters came in for me to decide on nominations. To cut the story short, I had to learn to make even greater decisions on my own, which I was afraid I wasn't ready for. I mean, there is no instruction booklet on how to be 21, and so the learning goes on, hopefully not by trial and error though.

- Presidential term was and still is not easy. I had an EXCO of people older than me, say 50+, whom are very supportive team players. I knew I was up for office as president but when July 2008 whizzed by but I had second thoughts with a period of denial whether I could juggle my studies, my tuition job, babysitting jobs together with Toastmasters. Well, lucky for a bunch of wonderful buddies/darlings and support from my brother, I survived the juggling acts, much better than before. Somehow I believe that if I survived such tough times, nothing in future would beat me down, or at least emotionally.

- Crying spells came and went. There were times when I felt excruciatingly overwhelmed by everything that was coming together and worse, everything going wrong at the same time. But seriously, crying helps, other than the times I had to deal with swollen eyes in the morning and tell everyone I didn't have enough sleep. Haha.

- I fell sick more seriously than ever in 2008. Coughing spells, fever spells all came because I overestimated my threshold of juggling. I went to the doctor 3 times in the month of August and spending near to a hundred on the doctor's bill. Lesson learnt: never overwork my body and sleep more. In the pink of health once more. (:

- Relationship woes came by too. When I thought I was ready for a relationship and went ahead much too quickly into one, obviously it didn't work out. Of course, some of you might know that another guy too, came by but different priorities left us as friends and he is now happily married. By the time I met someone else and once again thought that I was ready, I really wasn't. Remember the juggling acts? The boyfriend had to be put somewhere in the middle of my priority list that perhaps he got too frustrated that his girlfriend "didn't really bother." Well, that was around the planning and booking stage of the residency when I was concerned with finances. He has now moved on to another girl. But yeah, I am not ready for another relationship just yet.

- Swim Clock 2008

7.5 laps on 22 September

Current Check: 69 laps

Distance Conquered: 6900m

Yeah, and the swim clock. My aim was to clock 100 laps in 2008 but I conquered 69. Well, the new aim for 2009 is still 100 laps. Must be practical, you know.

- OCU residency. Three years of savings, two years of waiting and boo-yah, I'm back from Oklahoma City. It went by too fast to believe the residency I was looking forward to for so long is over and done with. Well, 4 weeks away from home ain't so bad because it isn't the first time I have been away from home for so long anyway. I have been away in my relatives' in Malaysia for 2 months before and alone for 1 month every year when I was much younger. Tested and proven and grateful to mum for the years of training for me to be independent, in fact way too independent for my own good at times that I prefer to be alone sometimes. My first trip to the US, 234128193759238 miles away from home 34859723 hours of flying and I survived.

- Undergraduate studies is almost completed but I'm not ready for the working world yet. I still want to continue studying but nay, finances say no although the heart says yes. But looking back at the struggle after 2006 and seeing how far I have been through, I think I deserve a pat on my shoulder. Having been through much more, I think I've grown more as a person. Growing up is good, but hey, I'm not in a hurry to grow up. Let me enjoy what I am supposed to as a 21 year old. I will grow old eventually, so let me enjoy my youth.

(Added sometime later)
- As 2008 progressed, I started to see more clearly the people around me who were giving me positive vibes, and those who always concentrated on the negatives. Really, the kinda people you hang around with matters. Well, one of these people I've stopped contacting almost completely. In fact, we have had no contact completely for a long time now. I'm glad I have her outta of my life, she was imposing too much of her thoughts and ideas on me that I felt pressurized having to dine with her. She was trying to be all-mighty and believing that she was right all the time. But duh, we are all entitled to our own opinions. I said this to her, in her face and boy, did I feel cool that I stood up for myself.

- At a point in time, if you remember this:
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Monday, October 06, 2008

Finding/Searching For Lost Stuff

Sometimes, things that are lost can no longer be found. There is no chance of chasing it back, no chance of experiencing it again nor can you find a substitute for it, although the temptation is great. I get trapped sometimes, into wanting to find it back, or finding a substitute to get back that feeling lost say 15 years ago. And it's hard, because sometimes I get sucked into it subconsciously. Now? I gotta be really careful in analyzing my OWN feelings and emotions. Like what the heck. When I see/read instances of it, there's just this funny queasy feeling in my tummy that I don't really enjoy.

Most of the time I tell myself that I am already very lucky in some sense in what I have now, and to just forget about it. Well well well, it's always easy to say but hard to commit to it. The thing is I can't just pretend nothing ever happened. It can be a struggle really, internally.

Having to constantly guard myself against it, is hard and tiring.

Oh I need a hug. But I know whoever it is from, the effect of it can never replace the one I lost.

Footprints left by Esther at 12:33 AM

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It seems that every year at some point in time, I struggle with this problem. And it is frustrating to have it come up again and again. What makes it worse is when I see what I hope is happening to me. This happens all too often for my own good. However, it also seems that more hatred and disappointment is building up from within to convince myself to be happy with my current situation. But seriously, how big can the hatred grow when you have his blood flowing in you and that you bear his last name? The trap looks tempting once again. Teach me to walk round my trap.

- Another person is of course, a cause for concern since he is related to mum. He is not related to me, and never will be. I hate (read my lips, it's hatred, not dislike) his presence because it seems that something is going wrong. I'm sure I can sense situations and tensions enough at my age to judge that something is wrong. (I'm just wondering whether he is even worth mentioning in my blog entry.) Anyway, this can be something I look back to and remember the existence of such a person.

On one hand, I ponder whether this occurred out of gratitude. If he feels and shows a face of such displeasure, and my mum has to wait on him that way, which I think is not exactly out of complete willingness, why can't it end? My mum is English-educated, the modern and liberal woman who deserves much more, paired with a man who is Chinese-educated, not as open-minded. Is there really room for a true partnership?

This is hypothetical but you might really be happier with someone who is on a more similar wavelength with you. Well, I am in no position to influence my mum for the matter is between them, as long as I'm not involved. But surely I'm entitled to my own opinions.
(end of addition.)

So what's up for 2009?

- REPAYMENT OF MY irritating DEBT. (full repayment if possible.)

- Handing presidential office over to the next new blood.

- Search for a job?

- Change of IT gadgets that are way overdue. The PC is way overdue for retirement. Time to make space for a lappie!

2009 is a year of uncertainty. I can't even pinpoint where I will be or what I would be doing. Well, work is for sure but as for specifics, it remains as a question mark for now.

Much as uncertainties float around, 2009 and 2010 are years of stepping stones to something greater, something I hope to fulfill within these couple of years.

Meanwhile, tuition and babysitting jobs will continue, or at least until mid-2009. A trip to Hong Kong with my cousins seem almost confirmed. And of course, Chinese New Year to come first. ANG POWS, HERE I COME!

That's the usual routine of blogging, ain't it? The transition post from a year to the next. And yeah, this had to come before more posts on the US trip. I hope I didn't miss out anything big in the fast-whizzing 2008. But yeah, there's the EDIT button if I remember anything.

And it's back to clearing up my room. Unpacking is not quite done yet.

Oh.

Happy 2009!

May 2009 be a year when hopes and dreams come true, for you and me. (: